Mastering Conscious Conversations

Communicating starts with listening and follows with questions.

I wasn't really good at listening; I always kept on talking.

I did not understand the importance of listening well.

I asked questions, but not the good ones; they were abstract and unclear a lot of the time.

You need to listen to ask good questions and come to a point of understanding the other.

You can understand the other better if you understand yourself better.

That is exactly what I didn't do; I was focused on myself and getting attention.

Not getting to know myself or listening to the useful things people had to say.

I wanted to be important and stand in the spotlight, little did I know that talking about yourself was not the way to go.

You need to understand and let others do the talking.

If you come to the point where you understand, you can give value based on your understanding of the other.

If asked, you can share your point of view on the situation and be important in a way that you bring value.

When you don't communicate well, you can:

• Trigger people's defensiveness

• Feel less heard

• Don't think you'll be taken seriously

Or it has other effects on your life like:

• People leaving you

• People talking behind your back

• Your conversations are short and shallow

But how does this all work?

It starts by understanding yourself better.

The topics we are going to handle in this article are:

• Understanding yourself

• Listening & Reflecting

• Tailoring your questions.

With mastery of those topics, you will do a lot better in your communication and gain way more consciousness.

Understanding Yourself

Questions are the answers.

The most powerful question is "why".

You need to know who you are by understanding why you are.

Understanding yourself first is one of the most important things to understand others.

I currently have a coach, and as I write this, I am working on an exercise assigned by him.

In this exercise, I need to express my desires without holding back.

When I have done that, I need to ask why I wanted that and keep on asking why to dig deeper and know myself a bit better.

For example:

I want a multimillion-euro worth business.

When I have this, it shows the amount of value I am able to provide and give in concrete numbers.

I want to create something based on value for people, with people.

• Why: So many people have helped me out, and I feel the need to provide something back.

• Why: I believe that the more you give, the more you get.

• Why: It is what I have experienced, and giving is more fun.

• Why: The good feeling I get when I see someone grow or become happy is priceless.

• Why: Because I get the feeling that I am needed and a provider.

• Why: I get a sense of importance from that.

• Why: I need that to feel fulfilled in what I do.

• Why: Else i would feel meaningless.

• Why: I wouldn't feel needed.

• Why: If I don't feel needed, I question my existence.

• Why: I believe that giving is your way of getting around.

• Conclusion: I want to build to provide value and feel needed, or else I am questioning my existence.

You do that with everything you want or desire, and in that way you will find out new things.

Capturing thoughts in a notebook and writing about them is also a good way to gain more consciousness.

In that way, you make them a conscious thing by writing them down.

Going for a 30-minute walk without music or a phone, just you and nature, is a good way to clear your head and capture more thoughts.

It is also a good way to ask yourself questions.

And when you are back, you write everything down and brainstorm about it to grow.

Going on a walk is also a good way to ask yourself questions.

To know yourself, ask yourself questions consistently.

The philosophers become philosophers by asking themselves questions constantly.

Everything you are not conscious of is running your life.

Asking questions and getting to know yourself better makes you more conscious.

My girlfriend did not drink for a month.

During that time, she had a little notebook where she wrote down every time she wanted to drink and why.

This is a perfect way to gain consciousness over your thoughts.

Now she has much more control because she understands herself better.

Listening & Reflecting

You cannot understand if you don't listen.

How can you train yourself to listen better?

Read between the lines of a conversation. Look at:

• Facial expressions

• The tonality they use

• The cadence of their voice

What does that say?

It is good to know that 55 percent of all communication consists of facial expressions, 38 percent of intonation, and only 7 percent of the actual words.

Reflect on the conversations you have in your life and write those down.

Use the knowledge you have and apply it to your written experiences.

A method of reflecting on a conversation could go like this:

This was an example of one conversation.

Can you imagine the knowledge you would gain if you followed this structure with 200 conversations?

What this has gained for me is the experience of things that I was not conscious of before and becoming conscious of them through this structure.

I started to improve conversation by conversation, getting a little better each time.

I still use this structure to learn.

Tailor your questions

If you know yourself a bit more through reflecting and analyzing, you understand the other person better through listening and asking questions.

Tailor your questions to the other person to achieve a specific outcome.

Tailoring your questions is similar to tailoring a nice suit.

First, you need to know what type of materials they want, the topic they are interested in, or their current situation.

• What are you looking for?

• What do you like to do?

• What are your interests?

Then, you need to understand and know the situation of the person you are talking to, from their current situation to why they want something else.

• Why do you like that?

• Why do you want that?

• Why are you interested in that?

Finally, you can put it all together for a perfect fit.

You ask your questions based on the topic and the thing they want to talk about, making it more specific to them.

Of course, have follow-up questions in every phase and after every question!

You can also steer the conversation in a direction you like or want to talk about; that is your frame of questioning, the intention behind your questioning.

For example, a positive frame:

• What are your biggest achievements in XYZ?

• What is your funniest memory of XYZ?

Or a more negative frame:

• Do you experience a lot of difficulties during XYZ?

• Are you always enjoying XYZ?

You can also set a frame for the questions to come:

• Who identifies himself or herself as a helpful person?

See people's reactions and ask follow-up questions.

• Who can help me out with something?

More people will help you out because they said about themselves that they are a helpful person.

People don't like to act against their own words.

Then do the whole process again when the conversation is over, though reflecting on the framework above.

In this way, you gain way more consciousness about yourself and your conversations!

Talk the Talk

I can provide you with as much theory and examples as I want, but in the end, you have to try it yourself.

So, gain a better understanding for yourself through:

• Writing things down

• Asking why

• Taking walks

Listen better to every conversation, including what is implied, and reflect on as many conversations as possible.

Try to consolidate all the knowledge in framing your questions and tailor them to the situation.

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That's it for now.

I wish you a good day - Job Baltes.